I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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