I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
