He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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