is your mom at the bar?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
