He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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