I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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