I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
