He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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