I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
