Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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