My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
