My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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