he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Less talking, more tequila
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
