if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
