For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
