the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she peed on how many people?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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