it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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