just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
