my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
