when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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