I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have tasted many bathrooms
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
