were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
