All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
