just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
