i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
sarcasm needs its own font
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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