did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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