you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
