the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
