can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
