He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
