he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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