PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
