I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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