I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
how does that bad decision feel?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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