This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize