Plan B is the new Plan A
from now on my penis is your penis
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
