Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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