Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
