i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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