I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
