So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
