a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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