Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
