lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
