no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
