they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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