Pappa wants mamma naked
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
