My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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