She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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