i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
