you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
