How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
