You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
