Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck