dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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