It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
