Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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